The Issue of Tissue

I was standing in the aisle at Walmart--I forget why. Anyway, it struck me that we Americans have a tissue for everything. Specialty thin paper--one for our butts. Another for our face. Tissues for our hands. Bigger and bold for "cleaning up spills."

I walked down the aisle and counted nine different tissues in fourteen different sizes. They are packaged in cardboard boxes, plastic wrappers, in small quantities and in bulk.

In most of the world where I travel tissue is found on a roll. This one size and style is capable of taking care of any personal hygiene need. Wipe your tears. Wipe your butt. Wipe your nose. Dry your hands. Mop your brow. Clean your toes. No matter--just pass the roll.

But we are just getting started. Need to clean the plate? Wipe the mess off the floor? Wipe the dipstick? Layer the deep fried potatoes to absorb the oil? Swish the subway seat? Toss me the roll.

I applaud the new emphasis in the national political arena for saving the environment... one way to start is to simplify our obsession with dressing up and diversifying good ole TP.

In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned.

"My God," I thought, "am I glad a woman is driving." I was clipping down 23rd street heading into work when I came upon the van. The bumper sticker had been there for some time. She seemed like a nice person, at least under the circumstances. I wonder what it's like to know with confidence that, in the flash of a nanosecond you will be gone. This raises all sorts of troubling questions for me. What if there are children in the back seat? Who will pull them from the wreckage of the moving car suddenly vacated by the driver? Will they survive? Will they be permanently maimed, lame, disfigured? Will the raptured party go through a ruptured roof, or will they roll down the window first? How many people will die in the accident sure to happen at the moment of rapture? Will the raptured driver be held responsible on the great day of judgement? What will be the determination of the insurance company? Can you buy rapture insurance? How will your parents, children, friends, co-workers feel about your abandoning them at the moment of their greatest need? And then the question of relevance hit me...What would Jesus do?

Abs

Every time I open this blog, or get on facebook, or even try to read the International Herald and Tribune, this ad floats to the side about 5 ways to have flat abs or three secrets to getting rid of belly fat, or how to look great in that tux or--well, you get the idea. So, I have been giving this a lot of thought.

I actually clicked on the d--- thing one time, and of course got an unending stream of motivational babble that told me nothing, but did have a $39.95 price tag at the bottom of the scroll.

I have been observing some guys at the fitness center (Lynn says I can't call it a gym) doing the ab crunch thing with all those convoluted machines. One of them I recognized from my last visits to the f.c. He still has the same beer gut as three years ago.

I am usually oblivious to what going on around me --you know, shy, self absorbed, reading a book-- but, while at the Plaza waiting for the family last week, a fabulously attractive young woman walked by. I think it was the whiff of Chanel No.5 (always remember that scent--my first girl friend from high school left a lasting impression) that made me look up. I will admit, her simple, fresh beauty took my breath away. Then she smiled. Unconsciously, without hesitation--just a physical bodily reaction--I straightened up, quickly sucked in a deep breath, and guises what--for just a few seconds, I had great abs.

So, there it is friends. Save the $39.95. Quit giving yourself stomach cramps at the gym. No more embarrassing yourself with that yoga ball. Here is the secret to truly great abs:

Take a deep breath. Suck it up. GREAT abs--at least for three seconds.

Blogging the Blob

With my boobs hanging low, bouncing to and fro, I decided it was time to get serious about losing weight. But what to do.... I have tried Weightwatchers, Nutrasystem, Slimfast, diet pills, Jenny Craig, yada, yada,.. all with minimal results. The group sessions are great motivators, but all is temporary. So, this fall I found the secret to weight loss and management. Yes, I have lost a few pounds. I survived the holidays. I have maintained my wight loss for more than 10 days. See. I am a success. I should write a book. My system is foolproof, 100% guaranteed, and cost effective. Here is it:

Eat less. Exercise more.

If I don't put it in my mouth, it's not a calorie. If I walk an extra block, I not only lose the calories I did not put into my mouth, but doubled the investment. Geeeze, wish I had figured this out 20 years ago. Pass the cookies.